Advice for Women

Dear Eve,

Dear Confused,

It is always a tricky and sticky situation when you try to begin a relationship with someone while still involved with someone else.

It does seem like you and the Chicago executive had a great deal in common, similar goals and aspirations, and it is a shame that he’s seemingly cooled off on you. But – can you blame him?

You pursued him while you were still in a relationship with your boyfriend. Men don’t like the idea of the woman they are interested in sleeping with someone else. A little jealousy is good, but when a woman obviously has a boyfriend, it can be a little off-putting in terms of trying to build a relationship with someone new.

There is really only one thing you can do: you can ask the Chicago man, point-blank, if he would consider dating you if you were single. But before you ask him this, be prepared for the consequences: are you ready to hear the word, “No”? Are you prepared to relocate yourself to Chicago? Are you prepared to be with a man who is mid-career while you are just starting out?

Another thing to keep in mind: while it does seem on the surface that you and this Chicago man are made for each other, he might be seeing other women, playing the field, and he may not have the feelings for you that you have for him.

Men are a bit strange that way. For example, it’s been my experience that when a woman becomes infatuated with a man, her feelings grow until they are consummated with a relationship. When a man becomes infatuated with a woman, there is a honeymoon period, a “pull back” cooling-off period while the man self-evaluates, and then there is either a request for a relationship OR a total back-off. Men can become disenchanted much more quickly than women.

On a side note: it really doesn’t seem like you and your current boyfriend have much of a relationship, so please consider leaving him. Falling in love with another man while you are in a relationship is a clear sign that your relationship isn’t working. And it’s much easier to find a new mate when you aren’t tied down to one.

Good luck!

- Eve

Dear Eve,

I go to a community college in my hometown and I really like a guy in one of my classes there. It’s only on Saturdays,so I only get to see him then (except for one week, when I kept seeing him at a snack machine there). I’m 18 and he’s 21. Sometimes, I see him looking at me at the corner of his eye. Every time someone is talking to the teacher during class, he looks at them, then at me. ALWAYS! I don’t know if he sees me looking at me or not during those times. Also,the Saturday before last Saturday, he looked at me a LOT! More than usual. I don’t know if it’s because of the bottom layers of my hair were dry from straightening it all that week or not. Just so you know, he sits on the last row on the left side of the room and I sit on the row right next to the last row on the right side of the room. We swapped numbers last Saturday, but he has yet to respond back to the text I sent him asking him to take me to my prom (I finished high school early back in December and can still go to the prom at my high school). So does he like me?

Dear Wondering,

Oh, no! You asked HIM to the prom? This is ALWAYS a bad idea! Of course he likes you. I repeat: if he stared at you during class and asked you for your number, OF COURSE HE LIKES YOU. But by the time you read this, it may have turned into “Of course he liked you.” If you had dropped some well-placed hints, I think that he would have asked you out first.

(Who asked for whose number first? Please tell me you didn’t ask for his number before he asked you for yours.)

It is always a bad idea to ask men out. It deprives them of their hunting instinct. Men like to chase women. If women fall over, what’s the point for the man? Why should the man have to do anything?

Asking a man out first sets a dangerous precedent, even if the man and woman end up getting together. It encourages laziness from the man.

Listen: Take this experience for what it’s worth. Please know that many a young lady failed to seal the deal with a man because she jumped the gun and moved too fast. No matter what television would like to have us believe, it’s the man’s job to make the first move and that’s that.

Sincerely,
Eve

Dear Eve:

I hope that you will answer me. I am a lady who wanted to get to know a certain man. There was another lady who was always around when I wanted to talk to him. I am not bragging, just stating a fact when I say I was much better looking physically, wore better clothes and came across as a nicer person than she did. This man seemed to feel more comfortable with this woman and did not want to offend her by paying too much attention to me. I feel that if she never existed, I would have wound up knowing this man. I first thought it would be a piece of cake, that once he knew I cared for him, he would not even worry about speaking to her. This did not happen, and in the end, he chose for her over me. This went against everything I was taught growing up, that your appearance and charm counted. This other lady did not have much going for her in those areas. Could you shed some light on why I could not score with this man? I am still worrying about it.

Dear Confused:

It’s pretty much a myth that a man will always choose a better-looking, more charming woman over a plain Jane. While men are definitely attracted to good looks, I have personally heard men say that they prefer plainer-looking girls because they tend to “not have their noses in the air.”

The sad fact is that some men are NOT attracted to women who have high self-esteem. Some men (most men, I’d wager) actually prefer women who are passive. You sound like you have a healthy self-image, and this in itself may scare some men away.

Also, men (generally speaking) do not like it when women let them know they are interested. How forward were you when you let this man know you cared for him? Putting your cards on the table is a surefire way to get the man to flee in a less-confrontational direction.

Additionally, you say that you wore much better clothes than this other women. Guess what? This scares some men off. When a woman appears totally put together, and wears expensive, designer clothes, some men automatically think: Ooh, high maintenance. Better stay away from her.

In the end, you have to know that if this guy did not choose you, then he is NO man that you want to be with.

Good luck. There are tons of guys out there who go for well-dressed, sophisticated, powerful women. But you may as well know that many otherwise smart men are turned off by powerful women.

- Eve

News reports today indicate that Sandra Bullock’s husband, a “biker dude” named Jesse James, had an 11-month affair with a heavily tattooed woman who’s currently soliciting her “modeling” career online.

Some news outlets speculate that Bullock is the victim of the “Oscar curse,” a strange phenomenon in which female actresses who’ve won the coveted award sometimes break up with their partners soon thereafter.

Since we don’t know the full situation of what should be a very private ordeal, we can only speculate on why men cheat on women. In particular, why do men cheat on beautiful women? If one compares the pictures of Sandra Bullock and her husband’s alleged mistress, one can clearly see that Bullock’s movie-star beauty far outshines her competitor’s.

But this cheating thing seems to happen to women, regardless of what they look like. Ethan Hawke cheated on Uma Thurman. Jude Law cheated on Sienna Miller. Brad Pitt may have cheated on Jennifer Aniston.

Beautiful women, apparently, are not immune to the problem of men cheating.

Therefore, it can be assumed that men cheat for the reasons already thrown out over the years:

1. They find something emotionally missing in their love life with their partner.

2. They feel threatened by their partner’s success, and cheating is a way to reclaim that power.

3. They feel emasculated by the woman they are with, and choose a less-intimidating woman to cheat with.

4. Men, in general, cheat on women more than women cheat on men. And that’s just the way it is.

Uma Thurman, during an interview with Howard Stern, says that she thinks that all men cheat.

Do they? What do you think?

Maybe you’re a housewife who’s being knocked about by an angry husband. Maybe you’re a teenager with bruises on your forearms from where your boyfriend grabbed you. Maybe you’re in a relationship with a guy who’s really great except that when he gets mad he does any of the following:

- slaps you
- throws things at you
- pulls your hair
- pushes you
- pinches you
- kicks you

Maybe you’re wondering if it’s really abuse. Is it really abuse if he just throws things toward you and not at you? Is it abuse if he only uses the back of his hand to slap you? Is it abuse if you slapped him first? Is it abuse if he only does it when he’s drunk, angry, having a bad day, when you burnt dinner or forgot to wash the dishes? Is it abuse if he doesn’t leave bruises or marks? Is it abuse if you started the argument? Is it abuse if he pushes you but you don’t fall? Is it really abuse?

It is, and deep inside, you know it. If you even have to ask yourself “is it abuse” then the answer is “yes.”

For god’s sake, please get out. If you don’t have any money, call every single friend and family member you have to get a place to stay, somewhere you can get back on your feet. If you’ve got kids, call a county social worker and explain the situation. Call the police. Police do not take kindly to domestic violence. If you’re afraid of being alone, be more afraid of what will happen to you if you stay. Most women who are killed are killed by someone they know.

Don’t think it could happen to you? Nicole Simpson probably didn’t think so, either.

And what’s worse than dying at the hands of an abusive man? Living with one. The shame, the degradation, the shattering of your self-worth leaves you nothing but a pile of bones. Living with an abusive man (no matter how minor the abuse may seem) is no way to live.

Please – for yourself, for your friends, for your mom, for me — I beg you. Get out. Pull up that shred of dignity you still have somewhere inside of you, and get out as soon as you can.

Breaking up with a boyfriend is a hard decision to make, especially if you’ve been together for a long time. It’s not a decision to be taken lightly. On the other hand, it’s not a decision to put off, either. The longer you wait to break up, the more the both of you will suffer. If you’re thinking about dumping your boyfriend, here are some good reasons to do so:

1. Break up with him If he makes you feel bad about yourself. Does he put you down, humiliate you, upset you to the point where you’re losing your self-esteem? It’s time to break up with him. He’s bad for your well-being.

2. Does he have an ex who’s making your life a living hell? Ex-girlfriends and ex-wives often make their unhappiness known by taking it out on their exes and their new loves. If your boyfriend has an ex-girlfriend or ex-wife who refuses to let go (and your boyfriend doesn’t do much to help) then it’s time to dump him, because it will only get worse.

3. Is he abusive? Any type of physical, mental or emotional abuse must be kicked to the curb right away. It is never OK to be abusive, ever. If you think your boyfriend might be abusing you, then you are probably right. It’s time to break up with him.

4. Does he have an addiction? Whether your boyfriend is addicted to alcohol, drugs, gambling or pornography, it’s not your job to save him. Addicts tend to bring their loved ones into their crazy, hellish lives. Do yourself a favor and break up with the addict until he gets some help.

5. Break up with him if he’s broke. This is a point of controversy: after all, we should stand by our man, right? Not if he’s relying on you to support him. If he doesn’t have a job, money, or inclination to get either one, then it’s time to break up with him.

6. If he cheats on you, break up with him. This is especially true if it’s early in the relationship. There’s no excuse for cheating, and if he cheats once, he’ll do it again. Cheating while dating and cheating while married are two whole different ball games. If you’re with a cheater and you’re not married and have no children, there’s no reason to try to “work it out.”

7. If his parents and his friends don’t like you, and he doesn’t stick up for you, break up with him. You can’t fight the whole world, especially if your boyfriend is not on your side.

8. Dump him if he’d rather play video games all day than spend time with you. Every man needs alone time. But if you realize he spends more time online than he does with you, then you can guess where his priorities are.

9. If he’s still in love with his ex-girlfriend or ex-wife, break up with him. You can’t compete with the ex he’s still smitten with. And you shouldn’t come second to any woman, period.

10. If he doesn’t want children, and you want kids some day, break up with him. You’re wasting valuable time with a person who doesn’t want the same things in life as you do.

The weekend is coming up, so now is a good time to start making plans for yourself. Don’t have any plans yet? Here are some ideas: Instead of staying at home this weekend, renting DVDs off of Netflix and eating in bed, how about trying some of these things? You never know who you might meet:

• Go for an early Saturday morning walk

• Check the paper to see which art galleries are having openings this weekend

• Check out which classes are coming up in the fall at your local college. Hint: men like working with their hands, but they’re not going to be found in a painting class

• Go to your local book store to see which authors are holding readings

• Check out the local singles club that you’ve been too afraid to join

Most importantly, do something that you enjoy doing. The only requirements are that you do it 1) outside of the house and 2) looking your best.

With the recent death of John Hughes, I’ve been thinking about our heroes from the 1980s. A lot has been made of Jake Ryan, the hearthrob character in “Sixteen Candles.” Everyone remembers he chose Molly Ringwald over his popular, blonde, cheerleader girlfriend. But is he the ultimate movie catch?

But what about Lloyd, played by John Cusack in “Say Anything”? There’s not a woman who has seen that movie and doesn’t A) have the image of him holding his boombox over his head playing Peter Gabriel burned into her head B) spend half her time wondering if her boyfriend would ever do that for her C) spend her entire life trying to find a boyfriend who might someday do that for her.

I’d like to share a few recent conversations I witnessed between a man and a woman. They are both friends, nothing more. The man was giving the woman dating advice.

The woman had just started seeing some guy. She asked her male friend how long she should wait until she slept with him.

The male replied: “Well, if you’re thinking of holding out on him, the only one you’re holding out on is yourself.”

So he basically meant: Sleep with him whenever you want. It doesn’t matter.

Fast forward a week or two. The man and the woman were having lunch again, and I was at the table. The man was moaning about a girl he was in love with, who had gotten involved with another man.

He said, “I guess he sent her flowers after the first time they did it.”

We asked him how long that was.

He replied, “About a month. Which is kind of sweet. At least she didn’t give it up to him right away.”

You see this? You see how this “friend” didn’t think twice before advising his female friend to sleep with her man quickly? You see how that same man had a totally different standard for a girl he actually liked romantically?

Dating advice for tonight: Do NOT listen to your guy friends. They do not see you as a “girl” and will not give you good advice.

Lindsay Lohan is such a beautiful young woman. Obviously talented, obviously in need of serious help. Where are her friends who could possibly talk her out of making a fool out of herself over her on-again, off-again girlfriend? Where is that one person in her life who will tell her that spending two hours on her girlfriend’s porch, waiting for her to come home, is just not a good idea?

Her pain and desperation is such a shame. I feel for her. And she makes me feel utterly sad that even a gorgeous, successful actress can still be reduced to a puddle of mush because of her partner.

The gossip mags like to call Lindsay pathetic, and Samantha the “stable” one. This is complete bullshit.

Women don’t act pathetic and desperate unless they’re driven to it. My guess is that Samantha is pretty good at making Lindsay feel like she can’t live without her. People who are stable and good partners don’t have girlfriends wait for them for two hours and then break down in tears. It doesn’t work that way.

I wish there was someone in Lindsay’s life who could talk some sense into her. Sam’s just not worth it. Nobody is worth that level of pain.