Advice for Women

Maybe you’re a housewife who’s being knocked about by an angry husband. Maybe you’re a teenager with bruises on your forearms from where your boyfriend grabbed you. Maybe you’re in a relationship with a guy who’s really great except that when he gets mad he does any of the following:

- slaps you
- throws things at you
- pulls your hair
- pushes you
- pinches you
- kicks you

Maybe you’re wondering if it’s really abuse. Is it really abuse if he just throws things toward you and not at you? Is it abuse if he only uses the back of his hand to slap you? Is it abuse if you slapped him first? Is it abuse if he only does it when he’s drunk, angry, having a bad day, when you burnt dinner or forgot to wash the dishes? Is it abuse if he doesn’t leave bruises or marks? Is it abuse if you started the argument? Is it abuse if he pushes you but you don’t fall? Is it really abuse?

It is, and deep inside, you know it. If you even have to ask yourself “is it abuse” then the answer is “yes.”

For god’s sake, please get out. If you don’t have any money, call every single friend and family member you have to get a place to stay, somewhere you can get back on your feet. If you’ve got kids, call a county social worker and explain the situation. Call the police. Police do not take kindly to domestic violence. If you’re afraid of being alone, be more afraid of what will happen to you if you stay. Most women who are killed are killed by someone they know.

Don’t think it could happen to you? Nicole Simpson probably didn’t think so, either.

And what’s worse than dying at the hands of an abusive man? Living with one. The shame, the degradation, the shattering of your self-worth leaves you nothing but a pile of bones. Living with an abusive man (no matter how minor the abuse may seem) is no way to live.

Please – for yourself, for your friends, for your mom, for me — I beg you. Get out. Pull up that shred of dignity you still have somewhere inside of you, and get out as soon as you can.

Breaking up with a boyfriend is a hard decision to make, especially if you’ve been together for a long time. It’s not a decision to be taken lightly. On the other hand, it’s not a decision to put off, either. The longer you wait to break up, the more the both of you will suffer. If you’re thinking about dumping your boyfriend, here are some good reasons to do so:

1. Break up with him If he makes you feel bad about yourself. Does he put you down, humiliate you, upset you to the point where you’re losing your self-esteem? It’s time to break up with him. He’s bad for your well-being.

2. Does he have an ex who’s making your life a living hell? Ex-girlfriends and ex-wives often make their unhappiness known by taking it out on their exes and their new loves. If your boyfriend has an ex-girlfriend or ex-wife who refuses to let go (and your boyfriend doesn’t do much to help) then it’s time to dump him, because it will only get worse.

3. Is he abusive? Any type of physical, mental or emotional abuse must be kicked to the curb right away. It is never OK to be abusive, ever. If you think your boyfriend might be abusing you, then you are probably right. It’s time to break up with him.

4. Does he have an addiction? Whether your boyfriend is addicted to alcohol, drugs, gambling or pornography, it’s not your job to save him. Addicts tend to bring their loved ones into their crazy, hellish lives. Do yourself a favor and break up with the addict until he gets some help.

5. Break up with him if he’s broke. This is a point of controversy: after all, we should stand by our man, right? Not if he’s relying on you to support him. If he doesn’t have a job, money, or inclination to get either one, then it’s time to break up with him.

6. If he cheats on you, break up with him. This is especially true if it’s early in the relationship. There’s no excuse for cheating, and if he cheats once, he’ll do it again. Cheating while dating and cheating while married are two whole different ball games. If you’re with a cheater and you’re not married and have no children, there’s no reason to try to “work it out.”

7. If his parents and his friends don’t like you, and he doesn’t stick up for you, break up with him. You can’t fight the whole world, especially if your boyfriend is not on your side.

8. Dump him if he’d rather play video games all day than spend time with you. Every man needs alone time. But if you realize he spends more time online than he does with you, then you can guess where his priorities are.

9. If he’s still in love with his ex-girlfriend or ex-wife, break up with him. You can’t compete with the ex he’s still smitten with. And you shouldn’t come second to any woman, period.

10. If he doesn’t want children, and you want kids some day, break up with him. You’re wasting valuable time with a person who doesn’t want the same things in life as you do.

The weekend is coming up, so now is a good time to start making plans for yourself. Don’t have any plans yet? Here are some ideas: Instead of staying at home this weekend, renting DVDs off of Netflix and eating in bed, how about trying some of these things? You never know who you might meet:

• Go for an early Saturday morning walk

• Check the paper to see which art galleries are having openings this weekend

• Check out which classes are coming up in the fall at your local college. Hint: men like working with their hands, but they’re not going to be found in a painting class

• Go to your local book store to see which authors are holding readings

• Check out the local singles club that you’ve been too afraid to join

Most importantly, do something that you enjoy doing. The only requirements are that you do it 1) outside of the house and 2) looking your best.

With the recent death of John Hughes, I’ve been thinking about our heroes from the 1980s. A lot has been made of Jake Ryan, the hearthrob character in “Sixteen Candles.” Everyone remembers he chose Molly Ringwald over his popular, blonde, cheerleader girlfriend. But is he the ultimate movie catch?

But what about Lloyd, played by John Cusack in “Say Anything”? There’s not a woman who has seen that movie and doesn’t A) have the image of him holding his boombox over his head playing Peter Gabriel burned into her head B) spend half her time wondering if her boyfriend would ever do that for her C) spend her entire life trying to find a boyfriend who might someday do that for her.

I’d like to share a few recent conversations I witnessed between a man and a woman. They are both friends, nothing more. The man was giving the woman dating advice.

The woman had just started seeing some guy. She asked her male friend how long she should wait until she slept with him.

The male replied: “Well, if you’re thinking of holding out on him, the only one you’re holding out on is yourself.”

So he basically meant: Sleep with him whenever you want. It doesn’t matter.

Fast forward a week or two. The man and the woman were having lunch again, and I was at the table. The man was moaning about a girl he was in love with, who had gotten involved with another man.

He said, “I guess he sent her flowers after the first time they did it.”

We asked him how long that was.

He replied, “About a month. Which is kind of sweet. At least she didn’t give it up to him right away.”

You see this? You see how this “friend” didn’t think twice before advising his female friend to sleep with her man quickly? You see how that same man had a totally different standard for a girl he actually liked romantically?

Dating advice for tonight: Do NOT listen to your guy friends. They do not see you as a “girl” and will not give you good advice.

Lindsay Lohan is such a beautiful young woman. Obviously talented, obviously in need of serious help. Where are her friends who could possibly talk her out of making a fool out of herself over her on-again, off-again girlfriend? Where is that one person in her life who will tell her that spending two hours on her girlfriend’s porch, waiting for her to come home, is just not a good idea?

Her pain and desperation is such a shame. I feel for her. And she makes me feel utterly sad that even a gorgeous, successful actress can still be reduced to a puddle of mush because of her partner.

The gossip mags like to call Lindsay pathetic, and Samantha the “stable” one. This is complete bullshit.

Women don’t act pathetic and desperate unless they’re driven to it. My guess is that Samantha is pretty good at making Lindsay feel like she can’t live without her. People who are stable and good partners don’t have girlfriends wait for them for two hours and then break down in tears. It doesn’t work that way.

I wish there was someone in Lindsay’s life who could talk some sense into her. Sam’s just not worth it. Nobody is worth that level of pain.

I think that we are all, to some degree, driven crazy by some man or another. It’s easy to freak out when your boyfriend is late, forgets your birthday, or in general acts like a dick.

The problem with freaking out is that you are quickly labeled “Psycho.” Nobody wants to be the psycho girl. It also gives jerky men that more reason to disrespect you.

If you’re feeling like freaking out over something stupid your boyfriend’s done, follow these steps immediately:

1. Take deep breaths.
2. Go outside for a walk or a run.
3. Take a bubble bath.
4. Hide your cell phone so you’re not tempted to call him a million times to let him know what an asshole he is.

This is not a long-term solution, but it may help in the heat of the moment when you feel like breaking every wine glass in the house to let him know just how pissed off you are.

OK, so Jon Gosselin leaves his wife to go gallivant with young blondes. He doesn’t seem to have an actual job. He has a bazillion kids. He’s not conventionally attractive. He does not appear to be that bright. And yet, this guy is somehow a catch to female tabloid reporters and professional party girls?

I don’t get it. Who the hell is this guy and why do these women want him?

The whole fiasco makes me sick.

For every woman who swears she will never date in the office, there is a woman who met her husband there.

Office romance is tricky. On one hand, your common sense tells you that no good could possibly come out of dating a coworker. On the other hand, the office is where you spend most of your time. There is also quite possibly a surplus of available men where you work.

If you do decide to dip into the office pool, so to speak, the most important thing to remember is that at all times, remain professional. Never show public displays of affection in the office (not even if you’re engaged to your office coworker). If you’re in an argument, never show it. When you have meetings, sit far away from your office mate. Don’t keep it a secret, but don’t flaunt it, either. This is surefire career suicide.

Occasionally, I post dating tips and tactics for women looking for dating advice. Here are some dating tips based on things I’ve learned over the years:

Dating Advice for Women

1. Don’t accept a date with a man you don’t consider “boyfriend” material because you never know what might happen after that first date. Many women find themselves in unhappy long-term relationships with men they never really wanted to date to begin with.

2. On the other hand, don’t reject a man who asks you out just because he doesn’t fit the idealistic picture you have in your head of the perfect boyfriend. He might surprise you.

3. It’s good to be picky, but not so good to be narrow-minded. Learn the difference.

4. Don’t try to get your ex-boyfriend back. He’s probably not worth it. If you don’t believe me, take a peek at daytime TV shows and look at the kinds of people who are trying to get back with their exes. Do you want to be one of those kind of girls? Didn’t think so.

5. If you’re crying over some guy, knock it off. Go take a bath or a pill. Most men are just not worth the tears.